"Youth" is when you're allowed to stay up on New Year's Eve. "Middle age" is when you're forced to, and "Old age" is when you can't.

Unfortunately, 2010 has left me bitter and wondering whether you might be available sometime soon to hear me complain about it.

Happy New Year Everyone!

My Top Ten New Year's Resolutions 2011

1. To continue being awesome.
1. To try and get even awesome...er
2. To start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
3. To get my life in order...ish
4. To not start 2011with a hangover
5. To not let the New Year peer pressure me into making promises I'm not going to keep.
6. To join a gym, and possibly even go there occasionally....(ha...I even laughed at this one myself!)
7. To somehow change the world's negative perception of cellulite.
8. To no longer be condescending to morons. Poor things can't help it.
9. To adhere to my resolutions for longer than 24 hours.

I'm hoping that the New Year brings me the ridiculously unattainable things that 2010 didn't.

I feel bad for illiterate people:

They have never experienced the joy of finding DIRTY WORDS spelled out in their alphabet soup.

What did you think I meant?

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The Day After Christmas

It's the day after Christmas and all through the estates,
Everyone is napping after emptying their plates,
The presents are all opened, the stockings are bare,
The Christmas tree is falling over, but no one seems to care,
The kitchen is in shambles, the whole house torn apart,
What was that noise, did Uncle Wilber just fart?

The food is all eaten, the booze is all drank,
The cupboards are empty, as is the fish tank?
There's packages, ribbons, and bows everywhere,
In a planter I found someone's underwear,

All I can say, and I say it with some fears,
Just wait till next week, the day after NEW YEARS!!!

What happened to my page template today? Everything is all out of whack??

Merry Christmas!

I asked Santa for a million dollars...I got a candy cane....Santa's generosity is greatly exaggerated.

Christmas Spirit

Someone told me that if you want to feel great eliminate stress from your life. They also said stress is the result of things unfinished.

I went to my cupboard and found a 1/2 bottle of Jack Daniels....so I finished it.

I gotta admit, I do feel feel much better now...lol

Merry Christmas everyone. Thanks for laughing with me at my twisted humor.

Each day is one day closer to the full-time dream. I hope one day we all get there.  

Just to be clear: our agreement to not buy each other gifts this year only applies to my gift for you.

Kids, when I was your age, the ENTIRE family shared one phone, and it was attached to the kitchen wall by a cord. We couldn't even update our Facebook status from it.

Forget about the past, you can't change it. Forget about the future, you can't predict it. Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

Does anyone know where I'm going, or why I'm in this handbasket?

Dinner last night at "The Grill House" in Allegan, MI. Great food, outstanding company, makes for a wonderful evening.

The Grill House

Boy, you moon one wrong person at the company Christmas party and suddenly your not "professional" anymore!

I'm starting to think that Santa just isn't that into me....Even after I took first place in the reindeer games.

Yeah...I found the "on" button!

I find "Santa Baby" misleading. Last I checked there weren't any women beating down doors for fat, married men who work one day a year.

I've decided to take Frosty the Snowman, Jack Frost, and Old Man Winter out for some Flaming Dr. Peppers. What's the worst that could happen?

Just a reminder in these tough economic times that instead of spending five dollars on my Christmas card, you could just give me five dollars...lol

It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

I should be more careful what I wish for...Some guy might just offer to hook me up!...lol

Vansteaders - Thanks for the laughs Mike & Heidi. 

I wonder why it's called "gross" pay when it is what I "net" after taxes, that is really "gross!"

I learn something new every day. Unfortunately, lots of times it’s that what I learned the day before was wrong!

Dear Santa, Yes, I have been bad a few times this year, but it was worth it...

Yesterday, the snow was pretty...

Today, it just looks like work!

Saturday morning cartoons

Some of us are old enough to remember when the only cartoons on TV were on Saturday mornings. In today's world of cartoons 24/7, the once common term "Saturday Morning Cartoons" is a term no longer valid so no longer used.

Then there are the terms used widely today that didn't exists back then like "blogging", "internet", "webpage", and "cellphone". Using any of these words back in the 70's would have gotten strange looks from the folks in that time. Yet today they are routinely part of everyday conversation.

One term still in use today as it was back then is taking a, "Saturday afternoon nap"....hummm.....not a bad idea.

People say that money can't buy happiness. I say I haven't yet secured sufficient funding to conduct an adaquate study on this subject.

Did you know turtles can breathe out of their butt, which is incredible, considering most humans can only talk out of theirs.

I hate housework. You dust, you vacuum, you wash the dishes, do the laundry and six months later you just have to do it all over again.

Obviously

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:..... "Duh."